A bell cannot be unrung.

Well that was interesting. It sure felt like I was provoked, repeatedly. She said, "Anger is good." "At least I say something." 

So I said something. I told her all those things I actually felt about her. Words that were better never spoken. 

Damn.

I am mad at myself for letting myself be provoked.  I am mad at her to making me feel that way about her.

Now I just wonder what is next.

Friends

Sometimes it is tough to figure out whether I don't have many friends, or whether I just feel like I don't have many friends.

This post isn't about my friends, but rather a question about whether I accurately perceive them.

Lonely with others

I sort of just feeling like running away today. Just for something different.

Sometimes it seems like I experience my life as nearly continuous loneliness. Traveling actually makes me feel better about that. If I am in a city where I know no one, the loneliness feels normal. When I am home, it feels like I ought not feel that way.

After being out of the house for 11 days, I am starting to feel better about being alone. It is feeling more comfortable, and more natural.

Perhaps the worst loneliness is the loneliness you feel when you are with others.

For some reason today is an especially tough day. Everything is touching me. Both the good and the bad.

The loneliness is kind of intense. Oddly, it feels better to be hidden away. To know no one will find me, is better than no one finding me. 

Friday songs to get going

Hitting random on the iPod on this Friday morning resulted in Bob Seager's "Roll Me Away." Its a song about hitting the road and just driving. "Twelve hours out of Mackinaw City, stopped at a bar to have a brew." My estimate would be about Bemidji, Minnesota. He was on a motorcycle, but I sure would like to just get in the Jetta and drive. Drive where the roads and the spirit takes me. Drive just because. Drive to get free.

It felt like a good day not to rush to work. So I lost track of time, and ended up rushing to work. I had set an appointment with someone who I have tried to set several appointments, and it has often not worked. So I rushed. As I came in the door, my secretary told me that my appointment had to cancel.

Great.

Musical Portents

I woke up with a song stuck in my mind, "Joey" by Concrete Blonde. To replace it, I grabbed the iPod, and hit random. In that process I had the thought that the songs would tell me about the day to come.

First up was "Mykonos" by Fleet Foxes. This was my favorite new song this summer. Its a song about trying to find a friend/brother who doesn't show up. Being there for that person, but being let down, again.

Second was "Well that was Fun" by BNL. Its about a relationship ending.

Next was "Wish you the worst" by The Old 97's. Great song by a great band. There has been some weird coincidences about them lately. Its about someone waiting for the girl friend to come back after she has gone out.

The cognitive portion of my mind recognizes this as me imposing order, the emotional portion thinks that it is some weird fate kind of thing.

Its actually kind of interesting how many great break up songs there are. And how cloying loves song are when one is not in love.

Hey, I completely forgot I was going to start this blog. It is like I was too busy. Oh, yeah. I was. Of course now that I am back to it, twitter is the thing. But that is past its prime too.