Insomnia

Been laying here thinking for a while.  I'm hoping that if I put my thoughts down, I can lay my cares down.

I am damaged.  I wish I could understand why.  My ex started cheating on me within months of us starting.  That one finished, then there was another and another.  After we married, there was the physical affair (one night stand she would say, as if that was better) and the internet affairs.  If she wasn't busy with those, she had some addiction to games on the internet, and the addiction to alcohol.  For nearly 25 years, I tolerated all that.  Why?  Why did I think that was acceptable?

The answer in some ways is that I thought I deserved it, that this was as good as it was going to get.  Eventually I could not handle it any more.  I had to get out.  But even out, I don't know that I feel any better.  I want someone who will cuddle next to me and tell me that everything will be all right.  Someone to hold me.  I have spent so long holding other people together that I have no idea who I am or what I want.  Please someone take care of me!

But there I am back to damage.  Needing someone so bad because of what ever I have experienced in the past.  A new relationship defined by the past relationship. Perhaps all relationships are that way, but I don't want mine to be that way.

For what ever reason, I have been thinking a lot about wants versus needs.  For a while I couldn't even understand the difference, but I am beginning to understand.  I need someone who is faithful.  I need someone who cares enough to acknowledge my presence, to see how I am doing with regularity.  That only means daily.  My wants at the moment are obscured by my needs.  Yesterday I knew my wants, today the needs are so overwhelming that I have to deal with those first.

In a couple of weeks, both of my friends will be gone.  It actually makes me a little scared.

Needing versus wanting

Taking a trip home to see my mother and sister made me finally understand the difference between being needed and being wanted.

With my mom, my sister, and my ex-wife, I was needed.  My children need me.  Need implies a lack of volition.  Need it like air, or water.  For first born, being needed is probably the usual state of things.  It feels right, it feels normal.  Thinking of past relationships, I see that nearly all were based on being needed.  The exception was Dawn.  But both Lisa and Sarah were based on someone saying that they needed someone like me.  I was flattered, and it worked for a while. Katie was need based too. 

Wanted on the other hand is volitional.   Want implies that a person chooses.  Want implies that a person can do without.  I need liquid, I want good beer.  I need food, I want good Thai.  Last week I felt wanted.  I felt wanted by someone who doesn't need me.  That is a really good feeling.  However, it is really scary as I have nearly never experienced that before in a relationship.  To be attracted to someone who doesn't need me is exhilarating and freeing.  I like it.  But it also feels more dangerous.

Lonely

Damn it.  I am sick of  being lonely.  There are times I think it is congenital instead of based on actual relationships. 

The soft spots

Some people just know where they are.

Who am I?

Couldn't wait to get over here to pour out my soul, and then discovered there is nothing there.

For most of my life, I have defined myself in terms of relationships--the minister's son, someone's husband, my kid's dad. The problem with those definitions is they don't tell anything about the person. As I try to figure out what to do with my life, I realize that I don't know who I am, or what I really like.

"What do I do now?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I truly have no idea."

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Now playing: Cracker - Loser
via FoxyTunes

Ain't No Sunshine

This song has been bouncing around my head for days.

A better day.

This whole process is a series of ups and downs. Yesterday felt way down. Today feels better. The kids are staying with me for an extra night. Friday night I have no obligations. The pub is an option, but I don't feel like being there alone. A movie would be nice, but that might get old too quickly. Keeping busy makes things easier.

I decided to make to do lists at work. The first item on it is to make to do lists. Funny, adding to the blog was not on the list.

Relationship rebound

When I was younger I remember that after a break up, I would never want to be in a relationship again. Ever! The feeling always faded. Oddly, I haven't really felt that way. Until today. Today, I just want to push everyone away. If no one is close, then no one can hurt me.

How does someone come to trust again? Is there anyway to unload the baggage of previous relationships? I guess over time I will find this out, but I want to know right now.

This guardedness, this concern, makes me worry that I won't let someone in, or I will just rush right through, ignoring warning signs. It will take someone special.